You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
