She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
