I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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