so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
