Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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