My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
