what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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