Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
