My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
