We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Everything about him screamed your future.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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