Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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