Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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