Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
