The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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