So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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