so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
