Where is the hickey?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
