My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
