I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
