I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
