i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
