Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
