Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You were trust falling into bushes
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
