Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
