Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
