I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
