Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
