her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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