Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
