what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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