i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
