I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
