I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
