just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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