don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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