I just threw up on my dentist
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
