thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
