you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
