a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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