I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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