My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
