Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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