I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
