My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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