i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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