I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
