if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
