ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
