a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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