He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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